I just read this post by Schmutzie about a victory she had yesterday in her quest to quit smoking.  She’s been cancer-stick free for a month and half and yesterday she found 2 old, forgotten cigarettes in her purse.  In her post, she wrote about the emotions and struggles that she felt while looking at those cigarettes and how her husband disposed of them for her because she simply did not have the strength to do it herself.

It’s a great post.  I’ve never smoked, never had an addition to chemical substances or alcohol or anything like that,but it made me think.

Is my weight issue an addiction issue?

It seems both ridiculous and right.  I don’t know.  I’m writing this and working it out as I go.  I mean, I know I have a weight problem.  By all scientific counts, I’m obese.  I’m not gross or anything, but I have a greater than 30 body mass index and a greater than 40% body fat percentage.  Clinically, that means I’m obese.  Because that makes me cry, I just go with “fat”, on bad days, and “heavy” on all the rest.

It’s not something that happened overnight.  It’s something I’ve been doing for a while, obviously, because unless there’s something chemically wrong with your body, weight like this isn’t accidental.  Oops!  I just picked up another 5 pounds.  Dang it!  It’s stuck on!  No Stain Stick is going to get this mess out.

I figured it was just laziness.  I’d rather come home, curl up with a book or a TV show or something relaxing like that than push my heavy bones down the street doing cardiovascular work.  Ugh.  No, thank you.  I’ll sit here in my chair, covered by my comforter, and type on my computer.  Oh, and cookies?!  Sure!  I’d love some!

I’m sure a lot of it is still laziness.  I’m sure a lot of it is not watching what I eat very carefully.  But am I addicted to food?

Justin and I signed me up for the gym on Friday.  He won a drawing and we didn’t understand what he had won, and while it wasn’t what we expected (we thought he had a free membership for a year or a waived membership fee, but what he actually won was one free month) they did offer us a reduced fee that was quite pleasant.  I’ve been three times now, once for a yoga class, once to meet with a personal trainer for an hour (a part of the sign-up process), and once on my own to do the work-out taught to me by the trainer.  I am SO excited about this membership.  I’m going back to the yoga class on Saturday and I hope to catch a class on Monday and the trainer I worked with chatted with me when I was there on Wednesday and wants to keep up with my progress as I go.  We’re going to get together in a month and see how my numbers have changed–I’m actually not supposed to weigh myself until then, in order to avoid the discouragement.

I wrote a piece several months ago that I never posted.  I looked all over for it today but I still haven’t managed to find it.  In it, though, I went on and on about how I am so sick of this.  I’m tired of being fat.  I’m tired of this flab.  I’m tired of my low energy and low self-esteem and I don’t know why I can’t just get over this, get thin, and stay thin.  We’re looking at more than 10 years of this.  And I just can’t stop.

But I want to.

I have an exercise plan.  I have confidence in this plan because it was given to me by a certified professional trainer and it seems like that ought to mean something.  If it doesn’t scientifically, at least it does mentally.  I BELIEVE in this.  I’m supposed to do this weights work-out 2-3 times a week and cardio 4-5 times a week (same day for cardio and weights, in case you were wondering how I fit 8 days into my week).

The challenge will be to keep it up and not get so LAZY again.  But since we’re paying good money for me to have access to this gym, I have financial reasons, as well as mental and physical.  If there was a Bible study happening at the gym, then I’d have all corners covered.

The other half of the coin is the food issue.

I’ve been writing down what I’ve been eating in one of my journals.  I’m enjoying that, by the way.  I have all these journals and I’m finding ways to use them.  It’s great!  On one page I write down what I’m eating (it shouldn’t go onto more than one page!) and on another page I’m writing my thoughts.  Sometimes, like today, it’s more than one page, but that’s okay.  So I’m writing it down and just the act of writing it down means that I bypass the candy bowl and I measure portions a little more carefully.

But I have to get back logging again.  I know, know it so well, that I lose weight when I track my intake.  I’m better about balancing my diet, better about portion control, better about sodium and saturated fats.  It’s just so HARD.  And food is so good!

So maybe I’m more addicted to simple laziness?

I don’t know.  But I’ve been babbling like a crazy lady for a while now and I should go to bed.  It’s food (heh) for thought, though.  And some of you might have been curious to know how things were going with me on that front.  When I talk with my family, we almost always talk about food and diets and struggles and frustrations all around the same issue.  Why is this such a battle for us?  My whole life, knowing that I should exercise more and eat less and not wanting to do it because exercise is hard and the bad food is so yummy!

But I don’t want to be there anymore.  I want to be slender and fit and healthy and want to eat right and all those things that I hear skinny people do.  I’ve never been one, so I have no idea.

So tomorrow I’m going to the gym again.  I’ve been taking it slow this week because my muscles have really ached.  But I’m going tomorrow, and yoga on Saturday.  And I’ll write down my food.  And I’ll just set it out that one of my weekend goals is to go log some of that online.  If I can get started, it’ll be easier to keep on going.  It’s just starting that’s so hard.