It’s been a strange week.
I’ve been increasingly aware of how much I am frustrated by my current employment situation. This whole week I’ve been struggling to make it through the day. I’m just so bored! And the projects that I do have are exasperating because they’re so dry and dull. I need to find something else. But because I’m so frustrated, I have trouble finding the motivation to go looking.
Motivation has been a big problem this last week or two. I haven’t been exercising either; I just can’t get moving. I’ve been exhausted this whole week. I haven’t been doing well at getting to bed at a reasonable hour, which certainly hasn’t been helping. But I keep worrying that there’s something else that’s dragging me down, like I’m fighting off an infection or something. I tend to get extremely lethargic when I’m about to get sick.
Last night I was in bed by 10:00, though, and today I’m feeling a little better, so I think I just really need to get to bed earlier. It’ll probably help me more than I expect.
But I’ve been driving Justin nuts because there’s obviously something strange going on with me. And he worries that it’s something he’s doing wrong, and even if it isn’t, that he should be able to help make me feel better. But it’s nothing he’s done and I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, so I can’t tell him what he could do to make me feel better. So we both just end up feeling frustrated.
I don’t think it helped that he ran out of meds a few days ago. And he didn’t tell me until 5 days after his last pill. So he’s been feeling strange and we’re almost positive that the lack of specific chemicals in his system can be linked to the cause. He got more last night and he told me this morning that he can feel the difference. We’re hoping that eventually he’ll be able to get off these medications, but obviously now is not quite the time. Or at least we know that going off them cold turkey is not the way to go about it.
I realized a little while ago that I read several blogs. And I’ve figured out that about half of them, usually the more interesting ones, are all on medications for something brain-related. Generally medications to make them less crazy. And now I keep wondering about that—like whether I’d be more interesting if I was just slightly off my nut. If I’d be a better writer if my brain wasn’t firmly grounded in this plane. And whether I’d accept being crazy just in order to be able to write better. And I’m pretty sure that the answers are all “No” but it makes for interesting thinking anyway.
And besides all that, I’ve not been feeling exactly sane the last week or two and it certainly hasn’t been doing much to make me more interesting or more creative. Lazy and grumpy? Yes. Creative and inventive? Oh, heck, no!
So. Moving on.
We’ve been putting a lot of thought lately into what exactly we’re going to do about transportation for me once we move to Bluffton. We have just slightly less than two months now before our rental agreement expires (I expect we’ll be moved before then, but I keep basing my timeline off the absolutely last day possible) and when that time comes, we won’t be able to carpool any more. So we have to figure out what we’re going to do. Fixing my car is the least likely thing because it’s already on its way out and even if we were to fix the problem it has currently, we don’t know when the transmission is going to fail completely. It could potentially fail within a week after we get it running again. That is not a possibility we are willing to consider unless we absolutely must.
So we’re looking at other options. It’s a little frightening to me—I’ve never had to buy a car before. When I got the one I have currently, Dad and I went looking together, we drove this one, liked it, and he went back the next day to work out all the financing. I’m not even entirely sure how that all worked. I’m not even entirely sure whose name is on the title for the car.
The whole situation has me sort of wandering around going “Huh? Are we really considering this? Seriously? Can we actually afford this?” And making me feel kind of old. I realize that I am 28 and that women my age have been having children for years and if that doesn’t make someone a grown-up, then I’m not sure what does, exactly. And that just makes me feel even more nervous. Buying a car = way less intimidating than making a person. I’m just having trouble coming to grips with the whole major purchase/financing/debt-inducing concept.
Which probably explains why I’m not even remotely prepared for buying a house and I get really flustered when people ask why we’re renting when we could buy a place. Not happening! I’m not prepared for that kind of responsibility!
And having a baby? Not even remotely prepared for that sort of thing.
Anyway, how did I even get on this thread?
I realized that I could watch anime on my computer earlier this week. With my Netflix subscription, I get several hours worth of online viewing that I haven’t even been touching! What this means is that I can watch all the anime I can stand and I won’t have to wait for it to show up in my mailbox and I won’t have to use the DVD rentals to get it, meaning I can get the DVDs that Justin will watch with me and I can watch anime in the office while he’s hanging out there doing stuff on his computer. This was an exciting realization and I really don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out—Mom mentioned that she’d been doing it months and months ago. Except I’m pretty sure she doesn’t watch anime . . . .
So last night I finally tried it out. I started watching a show called Gilgamesh. It’s interesting! I watched two episodes and I have absolutely no idea about what’s happening. It’s great! A little bit violent, a little bit creepy, a whole lot of fascinating. I’m looking forward to watching more this weekend.
I’ve been writing this in between working on projects at work. I just re-read the whole thing and I’m pretty it makes me sound like I’m four kinds of crazy. And I could, and may be *should* go back and make it sound less crazy, but I think I’m just going to leave it as it is. I have too many other things going on to worry about editing out all the crazy from this post.
I’m so glad that it’s Thursday.