Feelings of accomplishment through letting things go

I’ve made and followed up on several decisions today and I’m feeling rather powerful about it.

I decided to let go of Wake Up the Muse.  I started it ages ago thinking it would be a fun project to help me in my writing, while also encouraging others.  And it was fun for a while and I had a few other people join me in it.  But for the last while, probably almost a year, I haven’t tended to it like I feel like I ought to.  And not tending to it made me feel guilty.  Now, what’s the point of keeping something that I don’t feel like working on and feel guilty about whenever I think of it?  It’s not as useful as I thought it might be and it doesn’t have a significant following.  So I pulled the plug.  I put up a note saying that I’m stepping away from the project and I’m not going to worry about it any more.

Justin and I decided to hold off on chiropractic care for a while.  I emailed the office this morning and let them know that I wouldn’t be scheduling an appointment until we’d saved up the money that we would need to cover the care that they’re recommending.  We do plan to eventually go back and get things worked on, but not until we know we can afford to pay for it all and still take care of other expenses.

We also decided to go off this stupid wheat and dairy elimination diet.  While chatting last night I remembered the futility of the whole project (no matter the results, nothing is going to change) and the frustrations involved. After curling up in bed and talking about the foods that we really miss, I decided that I’d rather just not know and stop worrying about it and go back to life as normal.  It was interesting.  It was frustrating.  And I’m beyond ready to be done with the whole mess.  And eat chocolate.  Ice cream.  Cheese.  Bread.  Pasta.  Breaded chicken breast.  Birthday cake.  Pizza.

Of these three, the chiropractor is the only thing that I plan on going back to.  I’ve got other writing goals and projects and I think they’ll go further than the website.  Abandoning the elimination diet means I can get back to my normal diet and try to get back to logging my food and losing weight again, as soon as I kick this cold that leaves me too exhausted to exercise.

The chiropractor, though, seems like a really good idea.  My insurance will cover quite a lot of it, just not as much as we’d really need it to cover.  We’re looking at needing a good $1000 of our own money to cover the rest, at the very low end of the estimate.  And while the FSA will reimburse us for that amount, we didn’t stash away money with that expense in mind, so there’s not quite enough for that and all the other expected expenditures.  So, along with all our other savings and debt-reduction projects, I’m also going to start saving money away for us to take care of this.

Justin’s going to bring home pizza, milk, and Oreo cookies tonight, to celebrate the end of a stupid idea.  I’ve got several pages of writing sitting, waiting for review and edit.  And I’ll add a column on the budget spreadsheet to track chiropractic savings.

I’m wearing black, wide-legged pants that float a little when I walk, topped with a black turtleneck.  Over that, I’m wearing a lavender scarf/pashmina following one of the styles in Amy’s video reference.  I feel slender.  I feel stylish.  And I feel beautiful.

Also, my navel is looking really fantastic.  It was a little irritated this morning, but looks better now.  It’s already much better than it was just a couple days ago.  The piercing holes are not nearly as purple and it hasn’t been oozing at all.  And I’m pretty sure there’s no smell!  Now, if that’s not an improvement, I’m not sure what is.

TV makes me cry.

NCIS, the show that I love but only watch upstairs in the bedroom, which means I never actually save it on the DVR thing so am only able to watch it when I find it playing on real-time TV, is wonderful, but it makes me cry.  I’ve been watching it for a while and, because I only watch it when I find it, totally out of sequence and totally at random.  And I’ve seen two characters get killed.  And both times, even though I really haven’t spent a lot of time with these characters and haven’t seen their character developed in any sort of rational sequence and so really don’t know them very well at all, have made me absolutely cry like a little baby.  Quietly so I can watch the show, but with snot dripping down my face because, dang it!  They made Abby cry again!  And me!  And McGee is all sweet and Tony’s all angry and Gibbs is fierce and gonna avenge them.  And I just want to sit with Abby and her farting stuffed hippopotamus and cry!

This is how I know it’s a good show.

When Justin and I were working our way through Buffy, we hit the episode called “The Body” and if you’re at all familiar with the show you know why I’m bringing it up.  I bawled and bawled after that.  Like, sat on the couch shaking while Justin whispered comforting things in my ear bawled my eyes out.  And Whedon did that to me so many times–when Amber died, when Oz left, when Fred died, when Wash died in the movie, again and again and again.

Good TV.  But rough on me.

I have no idea where I’m headed with this.  Just that I got done with NCIS a few minutes ago and, after sniffing a few times, giving Justin a kiss and a hug, and poking at my computer a few minutes, I wanted to write about it.

It’s been an unpleasant couple of days.  We’ve been sick.  Not anything diagnosable or something we can medicate and just be done and over with, but this awful, lingering nastiness that just won’t shake.  Justin’s eye infection came back with a vengeance and he’s seen both our ophthalmologist and his internist about it.  They’re running more blood work to see what they can see, but until then, he’s putting in eye drops and wearing an eye patch when light gets too painful.  And taking Advil to deal with the headaches.  I’m eating cough drops and drinking tea trying to keep my voice and pull the cold out of my chest, so very tired most of the time.  I don’t want to talk about Valentine’s Day.

Still, things aren’t too bad.  Our insurance is fantastic.  One of the prescriptions we picked up on Saturday didn’t even have a copay.  We’re both still able to work.  Justin can even work from home, which is great.  My birthday is in a couple days and I’m completely avoiding the normal freak-out when I get all depressed and think that no one’s going to remember or care.  Yeah, I do that.  I’m pretty sure I mentioned it last year.

I took out my navel ring tonight.  I looked at it while in the ladies room at work earlier today and realized that it was bleeding.  Not from the piercing itself, which isn’t uncommon for me, but from a split in the skin behind the piercing.  It’s migrated forward leaving a funky little trail behind it and that trail had split and was bleeding.  It never really healed, though.  The piercing itself has always oozed and been, frankly, a little gross.  Kinda smelly.  I showed it to Justin and we agreed that it was probably best if I just took it out.  Let it heal up.  Get it done again later on if I want.

So I took it out.  Stiiiiiiinky!  Wow, I didn’t expect it to smell like that.  And then I soaked it little, peroxized it a little, put Neosporin on it.  It feels really weird.  I’ve had that little metal rod in my belly for how long now?  Just over three year I think.  Now it’s this hard little knot with little purple holes in my flabby, flabby belly.  Too much?  Sorry about that.  But I miss it a little!  It’s a good call, pulling it out and letting it heal up.  But it’s a little sad.  Gillian, Sara, and I all got those done and mine was the last one to come out.  I can’t remember if Sara got her’s done again or not.

Anyway.  I’m just in a weird mood, tired, not feeling great.  And it’s about 10:00 so I’m going to go take my vitamin and curl up in bed with my book for a while before falling asleep with the light on.  I’ll think of 5 Grace things in the morning.  And I’ll catch up with ya’ll again in the sunshine of tomorrow.

Good night!