It’s an interesting idea for me.  I’m not going to delve into the whole crisis of print media vs the electronic medium or the downfall of independent bookstores to the large-scale chains, because that’s just not very interesting and I don’t feel like doing the research when most of us already know the basics there.  But let me tell you something else that I’m sure you all already know:  I get such a kick out of planning what I would do if I had my own bookstore.

So much fun!  I’ve been pressing my nose up to empty storefronts for years saying “That would work just great!”  This morning, after hearing this tidbit, I thought about the town where I live and the businesses and where a good location would be for a bookstore.  There’s an abandoned Arby’s in a parking lot with several other businesses on a well-traveled road that wouldn’t be too bad.

Taking into consideration the structure of that building, I’d rip out all the current seating, obviously, and install curtains at all the windows around the dining area.  The amount of light would be delightful, but the curtains would soften the building some.  And then I’d put prisms in the windows so all day long, from some window, there’d be rainbows dancing around the store.

I’d have to check the state of the bathrooms and make them less “cheap fast food” and more “comfortable casual,” if you know what I mean.  Like having a stack of cloth towels for drying hands and a big basket for the dirty towels.

The children’s area would be filled with beanbag chairs and shelves three feet tall and less.  How awesome would it be to buy a store that had a playground attached?  Awesome and terrifying and annoying.  Cleaning that thing would be awful.  But it’d give the kids something to do!  Most likely, though, I’d direct people with children to the children’s bookstore down the way and around the corner.

I’d go to work in the morning and make bread and muffins and other things (in the already existing kitchen) and have them available with coffee and tea, all on real plates and cups.

I’d make tote bags and sell them in the store.  I’d encourage local artists to hang and sell their artwork and goods (with a little commission to me).

I’d have a used books section.  I’d have a cart of free books at the door.

The shelves would all be wooden and I’d spend about an hour every afternoon just dusting.

There’d be an open space left with comfortable chairs around it where people could come for readings or signings or after-hours yoga.

Our very well-trained dog would wander around the store and snuggle with people.  There’d be signs everywhere saying “Our dog doesn’t eat people food.  There are dog treats at the desk.”

And I’ve hardly even mentioned books, but BOOKS!  I’d get to hang out with books all day long!  Go to conferences about books, read magazines about what books to order, listen to sales pitches from people wanting to sell me books!  And then go back to my wonderful store and spend the day with people who want to buy books and talking with them about books!

And I’ve talked and dreamed about all this before, full-well knowing that I have no idea how to run a business, and even if I did, the bookstore isn’t the most lucrative of dreams and it probably wouldn’t end up at all like I imagined.  But on a day when I’ve spent the whole day looking at drawings and comparing it to technical documentation about a product that I care about very little, the idea of working with something that I LOVE, is more than a little appealing.

And the DJs thought that this was the most ridiculous thing ever.  “Watching what?” one asked.  “Well, Jane Austin is a writer, so I guess Emma was one of her books that they made into a movie?”  And then they made comments about how he must have been sitting in his mom’s basement doing this and so presumptuous with his “white zinfandel” and how he’s not the sort of man that either one of them would ever hang out with.

And I don’t know about you, but I figure that if a man has that much refined taste, there’s a strong chance that he was actually watching this movie snuggled up with his beautiful wife.  And there’s also a big chance that he “got lucky” before the end of the evening.  I mean, really!  It’s Jane Austin!  I can’t be the only girl who gets lovey-dovey after Jane Austin’s stories.

Anyway, by my figures, a guy who’ll watch a chic flic and, presumably, enjoy time with his wife, comes out ahead of the guy who talks down on that sort of thing.  But I guess it might just be my crazy female logic.

We didn’t watch the game.  Justin played video games and I curled up in the chair beside him reading a book.  Not one of Jane Austin’s – it’s by Jim Butcher.  But I still think it was a very enjoyable way to spend the evening.

I’m working on tactics to improve my mental health.  Tonight I’m going to get back into my yoga practice.  I’m writing in my private journal again.  And knowing is half the battle, right?  So knowing that I’m feeling blue should make me more prepared for dealing with that situation.  And having a plan is certainly better than sitting on my butt all evening just staring at the wall.  I mean staring at my computer.  And the wall.

I’m hoping to decorate for Christmas this weekend.  We still have pumpkins sitting out on our front porch and fabric leaves scattered on the coffee table.  I have a couple craft ideas that I’d like to try out if I can make it to Michael’s tomorrow.  I’m hoping that it’ll help.  Spruce up the house, in more ways than one.  Change around the scenery.  Give my hands something to do and my brain a little bit of creativity.

I don’t want you to be worried about me.  I’ve debated back and forth about whether I should even mention it.  But I’m pretty sure that it’s already pretty obvious that I’ve just not been feeling up to par.  And if you all aren’t my support group, then who is?

So that’s the scoop:  I’ve got the blues.  With a little stress and anxiety thrown on top.  If I have another day like yesterday, when I sat down at my computer and just couldn’t find the words to explain how I was feeling or what had happened in my day, you’ll know why.   The words were there, hidden in the texture of the paint on the wall, but I couldn’t get them to stand in line, couldn’t get them to march onto the page.  Screen.  Whatever.

See?  I’m still having trouble with that today.

Does anybody have any fun, cheap Christmas decorating ideas?  I’m hitting Michael’s tomorrow for felt and shellac.  I’ll try to put up pictures once I’m done.

P.S.  Do you remember at Bargin Bills they had a BIG tub just filled with loose mixed buttons?  I wish I could find that around here.  I want buttons!!

I only do it at work.  But I just counted and I have seven Kleenex boxes in my drawers here.  Seven is a large number when you consider that there are 130 tissues per box.  (130 x 7 = 910 tissues.)  Seriously?  That’s a lot of Kleenex.

Now, it’s not like they’re just sitting there empty.  That is a very important factor of this hording.  Of the seven, only two of them are empty.  The other five have a variety of objects in them – from tea bags to silverware to personal toilette items.  I’ve trimmed the tops off the boxes and stapled the sides to keep them from falling apart.  I’ve binder-clipped them to the box beside them to keep them from shuffling around in the drawer.  They are my second-hand organizational efforts to keep my drawers in order.  And the two empty ones are back-up, in case one falls apart or I find a use for another box.

Sure they are.

I think I might have hit the point where I’m keeping them because I like keeping them.  Because if I didn’t have a use for the last box 130 tissues ago, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to need a second empty one.

Just like the empty CD spool is going to have some use eventually.

I think it’s time to go through my drawers and do some purging.

I read the book in high school so I might not have everything remembered right, but it seems solid.  Stop beating yourself up at several miles an hour and start encouraging yourself instead.  Doing that will change how you feel about yourself and life and others.

I have my good days and bad days with this concept.  And when I’m not exercising and looking at my fitness and shape, so often my head is just filled with trash talk.  Even when I am exercising, it’s hard to beat out the negativity.  But it is easier.

Example:  I love yoga.  I love the concentration, the multi-level work on balance, strength, alignment, and flexibility, the hard work balanced with the meditation.  I’m not that “good” at it if you look at how deep I can get into asanas and how long I can hold it, but I’m doing it to learn, to stretch, to strengthen, to focus . . . . 

Since we got this gym membership, I’ve been able to go to yoga two times.  Saturday, I was standing there and caught sight of myself in the mirror.  Mirrors in gyms.  Good for checking alignment and posture.  Also good at showing the flab handing from my arms and the width of my midsection.  Especially when my image completely obscures the reflection of the women behind me.  And immediately the talk starts:

Good Lord, look at my arms!  When did I grow fat wings?  Oh, good!  Now we’re leaning over and all the fat on my face is hanging to the side.  Gross!  And I can’t reach far enough because I can’t make it over these lumps of fat on my stomach.  And my butt is enormous!  Ack!

And immediately I start talking back to myself:

Oh, but check out my alignment.  My spine is so straight!  And I can get my arms up straight.  I can hold this pose for ages because my legs are so strong.  I know how to adjust my hips so I can do this pose even better.  And the burn I’m feeling through my legs is calorie burn and I’m strong and beautiful and taking control.

The internal dialog about how awfully fat and ugly I am is probably what I’m the most tired of when it comes to my current health and condition.  The constant self-loathing.  So I’ve really been working on reversing that.    It’s easy to stand in the gym and look at the little stick-figure girls and get frustrated and upset.  But I’m trying to focus on the positive things I’m doing instead—the strength and stamina I’m building.  And I’m doing things that I really enjoying instead of forcing myself to do things that I think I *should* do.  Like, “I should work out 6 days a week.”  I’m working out 3-5 days a week.  “I should work as hard as I can until I can’t do it anymore.”  I’m keeping it between 115 – 153 BPMs and stopping when it’s appropriate.  “I should try to lose weight as quickly as possible.”  I’m not even stepping on the scale right now but at most, I should lose 2 pounds a week.

I’m ENJOYING myself.  I’m ENCOURAGING myself.  And I’ve made it through a week and I’m feeling better than I was a month ago.

Tonight I’m going to Zoomba class!  Or something like that.  Isn’t that a robotic vacuum cleaner?

On the one hand, yeah!  Time off from work!  Four weeks is a long time and I don’t have to go to the office for that whole time.  I get to sit at home, playing games, reading books, watching tv, working on projects, finally hang the pictures in my office, focus on my small business, and so many other things.  This is great!

On the other hand, oy.  Unemployment.  Four weeks is a long time and I’m not getting paid for that whole time, except that I’ve been told I’m going to get unemployment checks of about 1/2 what I’d normally be making.  I guess that one little form I completed was all I needed to do for that because they never asked for more information, but I still don’t really know about this whole unemployment check thing and I really hope that I get paid that money because otherwise this month is really going to stink.

Money, it’s how’s for dinner.

Anyway, I’ve got like six more hours of work before that starts and I’ve got some stuff to get done before then.  I’ve actually been doing really well at getting things wrapped up and ready for this time away.  I had two preliminary documents that were gong to be due over the furlough and I finished one yesterday and the other is my project for today.  It should be fine.  And I had three other projects to finish up this week, too, and they’re all already done.

One of them was a monster.  They moved the deadline up by over a month, so instead of doing the preliminary draft and having a month between that and the final draft, I had to jump straight to the final draft, with only 2 days between the notification and the deadline.  We hadn’t even started on it.  We finished it, but it was a monster.  (And I’m not totally sure we did it right and maybe I should ask about revisiting it once we get back and doing a revision and making sure we actually get the right information to the customer….)

Anyway, I got the other preliminary this morning and I have to get it sent out by about 4:00 this afternoon and I have a bunch yet to do there.

Which is why I haven’t really started to think about what this really means, being out of work for 4 weeks.

I’m going to take my picture frames when I leave tonight.  We were told to lock up everything else, like our staplers.  I’m trying to make it so if there’s a hurricane while we’re away, all that needs to be worried about is the computer and phone.  Everything else should be in a drawer and that should be safe if rain gets through.  Plus, you know, locked so no one can steal my stapler.

I keep looking around and thinking about where everything’s going to go and thinking that maybe I should start on that, but I know it’s only going to take 10 minutes and I’ve got a lot of stuff to do before then.

And then I won’t have anything to do, except I’ve made this long list of things I’m going to try to work on over the furlough.  A list that starts with organizing the closet in Justin’s office and ends with finding a better way to organize the photo files on my computer.

Anyway.  I should get back to this preliminary and make sure that the supporting documentation is all in place.  The sooner I get this done and delivered, the sooner I can sit here looking at my picture frames, thinking about packing them into my bag to go home.

Today I’m feeling accomplished about everything I’ve done in the past couple weeks.

Tomorrow I’ll feel excited about not waking up at 6:00 in the morning.

David, my manager-boss, the guy who volunteered me and sent me up there, actually hasn’t asked about it at all, but I suspect it was because he was heading out of town yesterday afternoon and had a lot to take care of.  He’s out for the rest of the week, along with several other guys from the office and it is crazy quiet around here.

My director, however, did ask about it when I passed his office to make sure he’d been able to find a document.  He seemed pleased that I’d been able to help out and hopefully manage to get the people I worked with to get a little bit ahead.

What gets me really confused is the attitude that I feel from people around my office toward the people who I went up to help.  My director’s comment was that they are so unbelievably slow.  Another coworker described the office where I was visiting as “the lion’s den” where I should be careful because they’re likely to grill me about what we’re doing over here.  He was joking, and the director’s comment was light-hearted, too, but I’m struggling with it.

I understand that the office where I went last week is a government office with oversight responsibilities for our company.  As such, they’re known for picking on what we do to make sure that we’re doing it “by the book,” so to speak, which is precisely what they’re there to do.  And the people I spoke with were both incredibly overwhelmed and buried underneath the massive amounts of paperwork that we send to them on a daily basis.

My suspicion is that people down here have no idea what’s happening up in Atlanta.  But it’s “the Man” and they’re not going to just sit back and take it.  They’re going to say little insidious comments and jokes and complain about it and look at the whole situation as an Us vs. Them situation.

I just don’t get it.

Now, part of the reason why they’re so slow might be because they’re buried under mountains of paperwork that they haven’t found ways to effectively corral.  Part of what I did while I was there was to try to make headway into that problem.  I didn’t get nearly as far as I would have liked, but we made some progress.

And now that I’m back here, I’m trying to work with people here to make things work better for people up there.  There are small things that we can do that make things easier for the people in Atlanta.  And, coincidentally, easier for a handful of people down here, too.

In Atlanta, I never got that Us vs. Them feeling about the situation.  What I got was enormous gratitude for my willingness to help and the sense that they were trying to do something similar for us—that their position in their office is to help my company succeed.  And they’re working as hard as they can to make sure that’s possible.  What do they get from us in return?  Complaints and bitterness.

Why is that?  And what can I do to help change that?